If you could tell someone how to be the almost perfect husband, what would you tell him?
That’s the question I posed to more than one thousand wives, ex-wives and widows, nearly all of whom freely offered advice. In the end, I had enough material for a book: How to Be the Almost Perfect Husband: By Wives Who Know . At the same time, I also spoke with one thousand husbands, resulting in the book: How to Be the Almost Perfect Wife: By Husbands Who Know . You’ll learn about husbands’ needs next month. This month my focus is on women’s advice on pleasing your wife. But first, a confession:
After gathering all my data – a collection of one and two sentence bits of advice from wives to husbands - I set about the task of picking and choosing. What should I put in the book, and what should I leave out? In other words, it was my job to sift through all the advice I’d assembled and choose what was truly important to women. I made my decisions, shared the "final cut" with my wife and immediately got fired.
"That’s all you learned!?," she asked. Realizing she’d inadvertently stepped on my toes, she immediately followed up with the far more diplomatic, "Mind if I take a look for myself?" The moral of the story? Even with 1,000 wives explicitly telling me what they needed from their husbands, I still didn’t get it. I was just too much of a "man" to truly understand. That’s when my own wife lovingly stepped in and helped me to see what these wives truly crave. That said, here are "Three Top Tips for Pleasing Your Wife."
1. Listen
More than anything, women want their husbands to listen. Not try to solve their problems or offer advice, but simply to listen. As Becky, 33, advises: "When I'm having a bad day and complaining a lot, please just listen. Forget the advice on how to make things better. Just tell me you love me and give me a hug." Brenda, 36, adds: "Always listen to what your wife has to say no matter how uninteresting or boring it is to you. It's important to her or she wouldn't be sharing it with you."
2. Show her you love her
It’s the little things you do for her that let your wife know she’s truly loved. "Surprise her with something small," says Rowena, married 23 years, "like bring home take-out without being asked." As Jennifer, 22 - married just nine months! - explains: "Instead of telling me, show me you love me. A kiss when I least expect it. Flowers for no reason. Hold my hand when we’re in public, and in private. Little surprises like these can sometimes mean much more than words."
What if you’re a man who’s married to a modern, "self-sufficient" woman, someone who’s fully capable of taking care of herself? Erika, 45, is just such a woman. Yet her request is much the same: "Even though I’m strong and modern and self-sufficient, do surprising, sweet, I’m-here-to-pamper-and-care-for-you things." As for specifics, consider these:
"Write me little notes and give me funny cards a little more often, like you did when we were courting." – Jennifer, 32, married 6 years
"Once in a while, send me a little surprise at work – so the people around me are jealous that I have the perfect mate." – Marilee, 46, married 22 years
"Light a candle every once in a while – even when the power doesn’t go out." – Linda, 48, married 28 years
Finally, Cynthia, married 14 years, shares this loving behavior: "Do what my husband does: When I wake up at 3 A.M. filled with worry, he rubs my back, holds my hand and says things will look better in the light of day. Then he doesn’t fall asleep until I do."
3. Tell her you love her
While actions may speak louder than words, words hold their own special power – both positive and negative. Jeannie, 55, separated for seven years, writes: "Think before you speak. Words can damage and cut to the bone." Be careful not only to guard your tongue, but use your words to cherish and embrace. Maureen, 62, writes: "Learn to say: ‘I love you.’ Acting as if you do is great, but it’s nice to hear it once in a while." Sally, 47, advises: "Tell her you love her three times a day. ‘I love you’ is like mayonnaise. It has a very short shelf life."
And while you’re at it, follow the advice of Deborah, 42: "Tell her she looks pretty. At least once a day!"
Questions for reflections:
When your wife is telling you about a problem she’s having, are you truly listening or trying to come up with a solution to offer?
What did you do today that showed your life you truly love her?
What about yesterday and the day before?
When was the last time you said to your wife, "I love you"?
In an average week, how many times do you say those words?
How often do you tell your wife how attractive she is?
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